Also, something my dad said to me on taking Reason, a subject that's essentially the history of philosophy, and doing arts in general:
I'm glad you're learning these skills because they'll be important no matter what career you have. Learning this will make you a cultured, more knowledgable person. You won't be one of those people who doesn't know anything and can only talk about their job... 我人为你学像reason这些最基本基础对你将来无论什么职业都会有好处。使你变成一个更有文化的人， 以后不是那种只会织讨论工作的人。那多无聊啊！这样也是一种没出息的人。
Which I think is one of the nicest things he's ever said to me. He can be very set upon and passionate about his own points of view, which is why we've always clashed so much... so when he says something anything, I know he means it, and it's nice to know he means this.
I still feel nagging paranoia and the need to justify myself, which makes me come off as quite defensive. Obviously it hasn't been completely reconciled within myself. My mind is swayed this way and that, and it's most annoying to be told by people that I have no sense of direction in life... when I think my idea of where I want it all to head is much clearer than most. Specific degrees sometimes indicate certainty, but for most people I know, they instead indicate fear and a need to know exactly where they're going to end up, and what kind of career is going to be bringing in the money to put food on the table. There's either a lack of confidence though or probably a typical parents-stopping-you-from-reaching-your-dreams.
Yet, what happens if someone you know wants to study art or music but you know that they're truly shit? Years of piano and music theory have confirmed to me personally that I'll never be great shakes as a well-rounded musician. It's these kinds of things that are intuitive and you're either born with the talent or not. You can work as hard as you can and raise yourself from below average to mediocre, mediocre to good, good to a little above average... or harder still, below average to above average, mediocre to pretty damn good, whatever names you choose to give the degrees, it's still not going to be the same as someone who is born and, well...
I know I'm a cynic and it would delight me to be proven wrong by the sort of people I have in mind. If it doesn't, what happens when something you've based your identity upon fails to meet you halfway?
As far as I can remember, my earliest ambition was to be an author. Tiff linked me to this which in turn led me to this and then, as Facebook is so wholly integrated into my life, I popped over just to make sure Neil Gaiman was indeed one of my 'Likes', forgetting momentarily that I occasionally see his updates in my newsfeed. His current profile picture is a Simpsons rendition of himself, which reinforces one of the key things I've drawn from the Simpsons - if you feature or are referenced in the Simpsons, you know you've made an impact on pop culture. For good reason too - the man is extraordinary in what he does and remains my favourite author. Even in that address I just linked, his imploration to make good art... that's something I firmly, passionately believe in, but too much of me is still cautious to completely agree with him - another one of those, what if you are just really not that good at what you want to do? - is it too much to ask for a chance to give it a wholehearted go but have another life at the same time? I don't want people to assume that writing is the very essence of my being either.
What have I really been passionate about?
Something that no-one has to tell me to do, that I forget about the other constraints of time when I'm doing it and capture my easily wandering attention instantly?
Madrigal... history... my ideas. I still thinking too much thinking and not enough doing, especially acting upon what you're thinking, is a vice, and I know it from personal experience.
Why the fuck am I scared to let my ideas known in certain groups and how much does their approval matter? I'm pretty sure I'm doing myself a greater disservice by being so goddamn careful about where I verbally tread. To be uninteresting is the worst.
I don't mind what takes up my time as long as I feel it's fulfilling in some way. So I've had less time to study this semester... but I've gone out and made myself realise what I can do and what I have yet to learn - it's a weird mixture of putting myself down, where I remind myself of what's yet to come but at the same time trying to bully myself into showing what I already do have.
Finally, sometimes when I reach that point and I think I know a lot of principles, gotten them securely under the belt, I need to ask myself if I'm seeing them through and living by them. Practising what I preach. If I really want to help on a larger scale, I should start with supporting the people immediately around me.
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