frantically pouring it

from my brain, onto this page (screen?) now.

• The old man in the striped polo intently learning how to place pictures into word documents and different text-wrap settings in the Apple store in Doncaster
• Maybe lack of originality should be thought of instead as the comforting view you share with other human beings
• How to deal with shitheads
• How to come to terms with be confident in sharing and defending (?) what I want to do
• Comparing myself from the start of the year till now (reflective fun).

I've been linking Rudyard Kipling's If to a lot of people these days. When I even think about the very first condition set... 'If you can keep your head when all about you/ Are losing theirs and blaming it on you', that's a very heavy ask of anyone. Particularly of myself. My exhaustion-induced sickness has made me fairly edgy the past few days and the ever-present injustices that face me have been getting to me, all at once. How do you keep calm and sane when no-one else around you makes any sense, and what's more, make you their scapegoat? If my current frustrations are enough to send me over the edge, how would I even respond to another stand-out challenge of the poem: 'If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken/ Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools'?

The answer is very simple in principle but so hard to follow through with: suck it up.

This is just like (although very unlike) my problems with Chinese. I've identified the self-imposed barriers between myself as I currently stand and becoming really proficient in the language so that now it's even more unforgivable that I don't take the measures to really get over and humble myself, put my head down and just work towards my goals. It's just that, in the end. My fucking ego and sensitivity with a weird mixture of distain, reluctance and there's definitely a hint of fear somewhere in there.

I had to get my macbook hard drive replaced last week, and made several trips to the Genius Bar in order to transfer all my files and arrange the repair. During my second visit, I happened to be seated near the rest where Apple employees run workshops on how to use the Macs and certain programs. I pretty much described the guy in my above attempt to get all my thoughts down before they escaped me. I feel pretty bad because he glanced at me while I was staring at him and there were hints of defensiveness and insecurity in his gaze. What I really wanted to convey to him was how much I admired him though. Someone in his position, with my kind of attitude towards Chinese, would probably scoff technology, declare they didn't need it but secretly have some desire to become competent and always be hesitant to tried for fear of failing, being laughed at and ridiculed. I admired what it meant for him to be in the store, such a bustling, public place, openly receiving instructions on commands and operations that would come as naturally as breathing to Gen Y.

I love that kind of attitude. No matter how old we get, how many people tell us it's 'too late' or how many times we get laughed at and ridiculed whether with deliberate ill intentions or not, if we always maintain that thirst to learn and improve ourselves to the end... that's a life pretty damn worth living.

If I despised myself, it would be no compensation if everyone saluted me, and if I respect myself, it does not trouble me if others hold me lightly. ~Max Nordau

After running into troubles regarding people's ignorance and my perception of them lacking respect for me because of it, I saw this quote quite soon afterwards posted by AIESEC International, and thought, 'Perfect.' I really scare myself sometimes, when acts of moral irresponsibility leave no burden on my conscience, and yet on a very constant and conscious level, I attach so much importance to having a moral compass. I do believe that this defines a person, and this must make me not a very good one... but there are a few things about which I am sure. 

In the case of people like who live private lives which only go on parade before ourselves, we must establish an inner model to serve as touchstones of our actions, by which we at times savour ourselves or fog ourselves. I have my own laws and law courts to pass judgement upon me and I appeal to them rather than elsewhere. I restrain myself according to the standards of others, but enlarge them according to my own. No-one but you knows whether you are base and cruel, or loyal and dedicated. Others never see you; they surmise you from uncertain conjections; they do not see your nature so much as your artifice... your own conscience gives weighty judgement on your virtues and vices: remove that, and all lies sprawling.

Why should I give a damn about what others say? When my mum and sister were taken aback the other night by my outburst of distress, I identified one of the main sources as people, especially those widely considered 'intelligent' and excelled academically and maybe even socially, didn't have an inkling as to the way of thinking by which I live, where you don't automatically dismiss someone's ambition or choices based on your very narrow, limited world view on the matter. The kind of confidence they gain from the aforementioned success in scholastic pursuits (I was going to say 'school' but I miss being wanky) fills them and makes them so sure and flippant in their remarks. How can these people be so proud of themselves when they can't even practise tolerance and understanding, or even entertain the thought that everything they know can and should be exposed to a healthy level of doubt and skepticism?

I've been very harsh on myself too. In alignment with my interest in different techniques of effectively mass-communicating messages, I've also been giving thought to effective ways for communicating with the masses. You can't expect everyone to think in the same way as you do, and so long as that is kept in mind, along with the idea that you can learn something from everyone you talk to, that's when discussions are balanced and stimulated and 'progress' is made... but more on that topic another time. At its lowest common denominator, I just sound like a whiny teenager claiming, 'nobody understands me!' or maybe even worse, a pretentious arts student dramatically stating the very same thing. It's always useful to look at yourself through the lenses of others, even if you're absolutely certain it isn't true. 

In this case, it's not that I don't think anyone doesn't understand me. My friends and family, for the most part, I have been able to earnestly communicate my reasons for choices and they understand and accept it, so this is most of my mind reassured. The rest of me that still cares about what others say is partly oversensitive pettiness, and partly great distress that comes back to the fact that I can't believe some people don't want to learn, or are so quick to judge when in actual fact they don't know anything about what they're judging.

It's both comforting and productive to talk to those not necessarily the same as you, but open to ways of thinking other than their own, and are able to thoughtfully substantiate their own views. It's just as important, perhaps even more so, to speak to those who aren't as open. As frustrated and perhaps, at some points again, emotional I'll be at dealing with the latter, all in a day of trying to better understand how a wide array of people tick, and another part of my training is learning to suck it up, princess.