it's simple

if you miss someone, do something about it.
I only mention this because it's something I've been trying to do this year, however completely unrelated it is to the topic on my mind.

I need a new mantra - don't be hypocritical. If I expect people to act to a certain standard and are unimpressed when they fail to, I can't stoop to the same level. My words are beyond my petty thoughts and have an impact on the people involved. Even if said people say they don't care, it doesn't make what I did any better. I'm not looking for specific forgiveness or sympathy, just some trust that I'm really not like that. You can't stop people from building impressions and this is a rather shit one. Judging people was rather shit.

They say that it is human nature to be hypocrites and living, breathing contradictions. It sounds like an excuse to me; even if that is the case, it shouldn't stop you from trying. Take responsibility.

I still sound like I'm instructing others what I need to take on board myself. We could all do with a little less judgement in the world though, I guess.

oh year nine.

things that make me smile: scraggly bunches of young phresh macrob, melbourne high and random other school combinations standing in small circles near the ticket barrier at box hill, and passing a particular group comprising of two guys and three girls, where everyone's body language is rather shy and slightly held-back except for the scrawny kid with the tiny head, almost fobbishly short hair and a pristine woolly blazer that is clearly too big for his shoulders, lapel laiden with clumsily proud badges--form captain, maths extension, macrob school badge. pallas glints at me and I am reminded irresistably of 2008. "let's swap ties!" hah.

don't know why i keep doing this to myself

or why other people do this to me.
The internet's too vast, you never know who could be reading... but to maintain a blog is to be willing to share these with a strange online audience.
It's a weird square (not even a triangle as I first thought), I feel let down, incredibly annoyed at how constrained and selective I have to be in venting, and how the last thing in the world I want to do is write a 1200 word story due in tomorrow when there are clearly more pressing concerns on my mind. I want to ask, for a peace of mind, but should I really sacrifice a possible good long-term relationship for the sake of temporary peace of mind? Will this peace of mind be temporary, and even if I do get it it will hurt my pride in another way.
"It's not anyone's fault," Mel says. Still can't help it entirely.

two day old delusions

I'm reading the motto under the logo of Arlena's old school, "Strength and Kindness."
She snorts.
Liqi says, "Arlena said it's more like 'bully or get bullied'."
High school can be such a bleak place! Seeing most of the year level blend into one melting pot of different colouerd jumpers, skirt styles (mostly short, except for Liqi's ridiculous ankle-length kilt) really emphasised everyone's different roots, educational ones at the very least... I still don't feel like a year twelve.